yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
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