As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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