Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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