there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
