this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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