I met the friendliest cop last night
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
