Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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