Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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