I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Randomize
