allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
