So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
