Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
