Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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