Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
