like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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