Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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