the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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