I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
