Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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