yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
