do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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