Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
