I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
