Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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