His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Even my vagina gasped.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
