Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
