i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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