WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
