Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
