Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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