I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
