I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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