so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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