Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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