She went from zero to smokin in five shots
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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