My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
