I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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