Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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