Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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