Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
