I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
