yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
