I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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