what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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