Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Vodka?
Forever.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
