Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
