Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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