how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
