He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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