she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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