i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
