oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Randomize
