I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
