You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
