EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
