Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
