Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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