How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
this is an emotional support booty call
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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