Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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