You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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