Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
