what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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