I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
