So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
