He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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