if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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