Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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