Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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